Wedding Bells

I was talking to my Dad tonight and he let me know that I could not get married for a couple of years. We laughed heartily. I told him that he did not have anything to worry about. We laughed how I may soon be a nun living in Reno working as a genetic counselor. :) We laughed more. Then he got serious and reminded me that God has a plan for each of us and it will all work out for me too.

29

It is almost my birthday. My 29th birthday. Where has the time gone? I can't believe it. It has only gotten better with each year so I do look forward to my 29th year. I am pretty happy with where I am so far in my life. I am certainly not on schedule (the schedule I made when I was 14) but hey.....better late than never! It looks like I will finally have a career pinned down so I can stop fretting about education and a future career. My family and friends are great. I could not ask for better friends. I only wish some of them were closer. I finally traveled outside of the country (excluding Canada and Mexico) this year. It was fabulous. I hope that my future holds many trips. A friend of mine is frustrated by her life b/c she did not get a degree but she has a wonderful husband and a good career. Her sister is frustrated because she is alone. I saw a list of all the countries she has traveled to and it was very long. We all have different things in our lives that we are lucky to have or to experience. I just wonder how we decide which route we will take. The grass is always greener on the other side. I always think of that saying. I feel lucky and happy. I still have so much to learn about life and from people I continue to meet. I just can't help to wonder if I will be alone. If I will be a "cat lady" but with dogs instead of cats. Would that be so bad? I guess it depends on if I can accept it. I did the couples dinner the other night. It was easier than San Felipe but still difficult. At the end of dinner when we all stood up and everyone paired off and I got in my own car and was alone. Once we got to the next place we were going to and all met up, I did not think about it again. I guess that is also due to the quality of my friends. We have so much fun together that I did not notice I was alone. My hopes for the coming year include: to be stronger, to be more confident, to make more time for my friends, to pay better attention when people speak to me, to get in shape again, to follow through with goals I set, to graduate, leaving my comfort zone and to work on accepting my weaknesses. Here is to another year in this little life of mine! :)

9 months (and no I am not pregnant)

Just 9 more months of school! I am going to make it work and I cannot wait to get paid again. School is just as stressful as ever but I am going to try and be less involved and concentrate on me!

Markus

I need him. I need money. :)

Costa Rica

I spent 4 weeks in Costa Rica!!!! It was amazing. I feel so lucky to have been able to experience the culture and country of Costa Rica. The people were amazing. I love their outlook on life of "Pura Vida". I love that they say "tranquila" to tell me to calm down or to express the feeling of the life in Monteverde. I feel like a new door has opened for me. There are so many more places I want to visit and so many more people to meet and learn from.

I cannot wait for the next trip!!!!!

Gasping for air

Each breath feels like I am gasping for air. It must be the stress. Welcome Back!

SFO

Last Sunday I arrived home from my trip to San Francisco. It was a trip that I had not looked forward to because I had to do it alone. I asked everyone and anyone to be my "date". Who wants to go to a wedding alone?? I whined and felt so sorry for myself but on Friday evening I arrived in San Francisco. The evening began with drinks and dinner alone in a bar. I was really feeling strange about it all but I attempted to look interested in the 6 televisions broadcasting every baseball game possible. After two beers, I was feeling pretty good. I headed up to the room to primp for the evening at the bar with the wedding party. I ended up closing the bar with the men and had a great time. Each hour of my visit seemed to get better. I could not believe how much I was enjoying myself. I was not even sad when I climbed into the King size bed. I was actually happy that I could sleep diagonally and enjoy all of the space. The wedding was beautiful and not once did I have thoughts of feeling bad for myself. Maybe I am becoming more comfortable with being alone. I suppose that is a good thing but I do still hope to find someone special one day! Overall it was a great trip. It was just what I needed. Good friends, drinks and lots of laughing. Even with an injury and the heimlich maneuver it was still so much fun. I think I am learning that there are benefits to being single! The independence, the easy decisions, not having to share the counter space in a hotel bathroom or the King size bed and being able to stay out as late as I want and not worry about anyone else. It is also great to be able to flirt and wink at anyone I want and to go home alone and feel good about it.

five things I can't live without

1. True Friendships and Family
2. A job that I enjoy
3. My future dog
4. My future children
5. Cell phone

Crush

The crush began one year ago. It was so fun and so exciting. It was unexpected which made it even better. I had finally given up on actively searching for someone and I was blown away by his interest in me. I had always noticed him but was curious about him.....thought he was strangely quiet. I quickly learned that he is not quiet. He began emailing and calling me at work for little things and then he caught me staring at him in a meeting. I quickly looked away but it was obvious that I was starting. The next awkward moment was a fund raiser. We sat together and enjoyed each other. When it came time for me to leave it was an awkward moment that we looked back on and laughed about. Then he asked me out. I was not sure if it was as friends or if he was interested. We had a great time that night. We went for drinks and finished the night with breakfast at Norms. I liked him. He seemed so into me. It was perfect but in reality it turned out to be far from perfect.

I want to get back to the place I was at before he pursued me. I was happy, healthy and having fun. I was feeling beautiful and confident. I want it back. Hopefully once I find that version of myself again, I will have another unexpected admirer and maybe he will be the perfect one.

2nd year

I am officially a second year in my graduate program. I have less than one year left. It was strange because yesterday I was sad at the thought of being done in less than a year. I can't imagine not being at UCI. I like it there even though it drives me crazy at times. I think I belong there. In 11 months I will once again receive a paycheck. I cannot wait.

He was not a mistake

I had always thought that dating him was a mistake and a waste of time. I don't think he was a mistake. He knows me so well. As he said, "don't worry, I speak Catherine". He knows just what to say and how to say it. He does not sugar coat anything. He helps me see clearly what I don't want to see at all. I wonder why I did not notice these things when I dated him. I am not saying that I would want to be with him but I do see that I learned from him and he helped me so much today. I needed someone to listen. I needed someone to pass judgment and help me recognize what I am doing wrong. What if I am never successful in the part of my life that he thinks is the most important to me. I don't think I would have even said that it was the most important part of my life but now that it has been said, I agree. He is also right to say that I do treat it like a job and am trying so hard to succeed but just keep failing. I have found success in my career choice. I think it is going to fulfill my professional life but what about the rest? When will it be my time? I thanked him today. The tears fell quietly from my eyes but I knew that everything he said is true. I am thankful he was there for me today.

a little of this and a little of that

This morning I got dressed for school and was confident that my outfit was cute. Then I got to school, looked down and recognized that my pants were not brown as I had thought but instead olive green. I did not match......my mood suddenly turned sour and I could not believe that I did not figure out my issue earlier. Oh well! At least I was comfy.

School was yet again another day of people expressing their anxiety and stress over our exams. Why the hell am I smiling and calm? I know it has nothing to do with me being prepared because I am far from it, but I think it is because I am realizing that I can do this but it may be a road with some bumps. I am tired of worrying....it is wonderful to not do that so much lately! I just wish that everyone else would try to calm down.

He came back from his trip today. He had his hair cut recently and he looks so handsome. I heard his voice today and of course he was offerring to help someone when I know that he does not have enough time to complete his own work. We are similar in that aspect.......we like to please.....we like to do the right thing. I am pretty sure that is why he still calls me........he is just trying to do the right thing. I miss the time we spent together......I wish it would have been different.

I told him about how I was hopeful that this guy would eventually take me back. He said I am not listening to what this guy is telling me and until I listen and move on, then I won't have the opportunity to meet someone new. He said "I know you are making a mistake and you know it too". He said more and it made me angry but I suppose that anger was because the truth hurts. The reality is that he is no longer interested but I am being stubborn and not listening. I am wasting my time and his time. He has enough stress in his life without worrrying about pleasing me or doing the right thing. If I care about him and respect him, then I should accept his decision.

insomnia

It is a horrible thing....every night. Ready to toss and turn until 6:30am...YUCK.

First day back

Back to school. It went ok. It was unorganized as always but I felt like I fit in more....I felt a little more comfortable with the second years. There are not enough patients to go around to fulfill our clinic needs but I guess a miracle will happen to help me fill up my log book with 50 loggable patients. 17 more months to understand genetics, fill up my log book, regain my confidence and write my thesis. Sounds kind of rough but I believe I am just being lazy. 17 more months of seeing him and when the 17 months is up, I am sure I will miss him even though I now feel seeing him daily is unbearable.