SFO

Last Sunday I arrived home from my trip to San Francisco. It was a trip that I had not looked forward to because I had to do it alone. I asked everyone and anyone to be my "date". Who wants to go to a wedding alone?? I whined and felt so sorry for myself but on Friday evening I arrived in San Francisco. The evening began with drinks and dinner alone in a bar. I was really feeling strange about it all but I attempted to look interested in the 6 televisions broadcasting every baseball game possible. After two beers, I was feeling pretty good. I headed up to the room to primp for the evening at the bar with the wedding party. I ended up closing the bar with the men and had a great time. Each hour of my visit seemed to get better. I could not believe how much I was enjoying myself. I was not even sad when I climbed into the King size bed. I was actually happy that I could sleep diagonally and enjoy all of the space. The wedding was beautiful and not once did I have thoughts of feeling bad for myself. Maybe I am becoming more comfortable with being alone. I suppose that is a good thing but I do still hope to find someone special one day! Overall it was a great trip. It was just what I needed. Good friends, drinks and lots of laughing. Even with an injury and the heimlich maneuver it was still so much fun. I think I am learning that there are benefits to being single! The independence, the easy decisions, not having to share the counter space in a hotel bathroom or the King size bed and being able to stay out as late as I want and not worry about anyone else. It is also great to be able to flirt and wink at anyone I want and to go home alone and feel good about it.

five things I can't live without

1. True Friendships and Family
2. A job that I enjoy
3. My future dog
4. My future children
5. Cell phone

Crush

The crush began one year ago. It was so fun and so exciting. It was unexpected which made it even better. I had finally given up on actively searching for someone and I was blown away by his interest in me. I had always noticed him but was curious about him.....thought he was strangely quiet. I quickly learned that he is not quiet. He began emailing and calling me at work for little things and then he caught me staring at him in a meeting. I quickly looked away but it was obvious that I was starting. The next awkward moment was a fund raiser. We sat together and enjoyed each other. When it came time for me to leave it was an awkward moment that we looked back on and laughed about. Then he asked me out. I was not sure if it was as friends or if he was interested. We had a great time that night. We went for drinks and finished the night with breakfast at Norms. I liked him. He seemed so into me. It was perfect but in reality it turned out to be far from perfect.

I want to get back to the place I was at before he pursued me. I was happy, healthy and having fun. I was feeling beautiful and confident. I want it back. Hopefully once I find that version of myself again, I will have another unexpected admirer and maybe he will be the perfect one.

2nd year

I am officially a second year in my graduate program. I have less than one year left. It was strange because yesterday I was sad at the thought of being done in less than a year. I can't imagine not being at UCI. I like it there even though it drives me crazy at times. I think I belong there. In 11 months I will once again receive a paycheck. I cannot wait.

He was not a mistake

I had always thought that dating him was a mistake and a waste of time. I don't think he was a mistake. He knows me so well. As he said, "don't worry, I speak Catherine". He knows just what to say and how to say it. He does not sugar coat anything. He helps me see clearly what I don't want to see at all. I wonder why I did not notice these things when I dated him. I am not saying that I would want to be with him but I do see that I learned from him and he helped me so much today. I needed someone to listen. I needed someone to pass judgment and help me recognize what I am doing wrong. What if I am never successful in the part of my life that he thinks is the most important to me. I don't think I would have even said that it was the most important part of my life but now that it has been said, I agree. He is also right to say that I do treat it like a job and am trying so hard to succeed but just keep failing. I have found success in my career choice. I think it is going to fulfill my professional life but what about the rest? When will it be my time? I thanked him today. The tears fell quietly from my eyes but I knew that everything he said is true. I am thankful he was there for me today.