"Dashin" through the snow

He is pretty nice. Very studious but I understand why now. How could a person go through as much as he has and still be pushing forward! He is amazing. Kind of annoying at times because he is almost too focused. I told him that too. Why am I so blunt? He he. He seemed to take it ok but looked a little taken back. I am excited for him to take the damn GMAT so we can talk about more exciting things. His house is immaculate. His car was perfectly clean and he is very organized. These are all good things but they kind of bug me. Why is it that when I finally find someone who is going in the right direction I find that they annoy me? I think it is because he has got it together a bit better than me......I am jealous.

I read his essays for admission applications. They kind of scared me. I did not know what to say, so I read it a second time trying to buy time while I absorbed it and thought of a reply. I turned to him and said "I guess my life has been a cake walk". I have lived like the queen of England compared to him. Could two people from such different worlds ever really understand each other completely? I guess I am going to try to figure that out.

I want him to talk more. He is too quiet.....or maybe I am too loud?

nerves

Tonight I am working on relaxing and it is working! Wow. I actually turned to my roommate and said.."I feel like we are on vacation or something". Tomorrow is the GRE day. I did not study as much as I should have or in the proper way. I am nervous about it but ever so hopeful that I will surprise myself. I just need to keep reminding myself to slow down and THINK! I do feel at ease right now.....hopefully that is not a bad sign!

Does she know?

Does she know that she is such a wonderful friend? Does she know that her lack of judgement towards me means so much? Does she know that she is smart, funny, energetic, thoughtful and ever so patient?

I think she has changed a lot over the past year. She has grown into a more confident person and I am so excited for her. I think she has come out of her shell in a major way and has an amazing group of friends. She seemed so shy when I first met her that morning to discuss important living situations. She was sure to ask each question on the questionnaire and seemed like the most timid person. I was sure that I would bulldoze her b/c I am so opinionated and loud. Yet, she proved me wrong. She is quite bossy, you know? Not in a bad way.....she is bossy about all the right things and I love it when she tells me what I need to know. Her stubborness is quite funny to me and I must say unexpected. I think the stubborness shows her strength in sticking to her convictions and not letting ANYONE change her mind.

What luck to be randomly placed to live with a person who is such an unbelievable friend.

Thank You.

expectations

Expectations are my downfall. I expect too much. I need to learn to sit back and appreciate what does happen rather than be disappointed by what does not happen. I know this is my downfall in my thinking. I excect too much of people and myself.

happiness

You only wish for happiness in life. You wish it not only for yourself but also your friends. So considering that I did enjoy him so much and he seems like a great person, that means that I have to be happy for him. He is following his heart and pursuing someone that he really feels strongly for and feels that she will make him happy. I was happy to see him looking happy...I really was. He not only looks happy but vibrant.

I also saw the happiness in another one of my friends. It was pretty wonderful. You realize that seeing your friends so content and at ease with a partner really makes you excited for them. I love seeing a couple really clicking. They were so at ease with one another and both so outgoing! They are really perfect for one another. I wonder why she questions her choice. I think he is a perfect balance for her. Hopefully she will realize that she has something special. It was really fun to hang out with them! It was different than previous times when they were unsure of each other and what their "friendship" meant. Now they seem as if they are finally a happy couple.

forced self reflection

When someone says "thank you like always for putting me in my place and letting me know how much your feelings mean more than others", it just does not sit well. You wonder, do I really always put my feelings before my friends and family members? Or maybe it is just what I do with people I am dating? I think back to my boyfriends and I don't really think that I do. I have always seen myself as a person who is considerate of others feelings and even overly-considerate at times. Maybe I am seeing a much different view of myself than what my friends and family see?

leach

He never will really just leave me alone. He always comes back wanting something from me. He can sense when I am finally feeling ok without him and he is always sure to reintroudce himself right then. This time will be different. He is not a friend, he has proved that over and over again to me. Yet, I always make the mistake of going back to him and for what? Nothing. I feel like he drains me of my energy and I have the sinking feeling that I make him feel the same way. So why not just leave each other alone? Yet, if I try to tell him that he suddenly feels that he cannot lose me. So this time silence and complete seperation needs to occur. But why didn't I just ignore his email? Instead I send a short reply. Hopefully he will just find someone else and then he will stop coming back.

screaming

Every Mon-Thurs I sit at my desk and listen to a group of 8 children attempt to learn how to be social and to adapt to the changing world. At the moment I am hearing one boy cry hysterically and he is not about to stop. How can Ring around the Rosie be that scary? What is it in their brains/makeup that makes them feel so overwelmed by the simple things in life? It must be so scary to be in their world. He is starting to calm down but he is gasping for air and still yelling a little bit. He cannot even calm down to have his snack. Oh, I just found out it is a new little boy....it is his first day. Looks like Mom has another baby on the way. She must be scared.

October

The months are flying by so quickly! It seems as if it is the beginning of the month but now it is the end. October has been interesting.

I cannot believe the house is gone. My parents are amazing. They cried and still cry but they wake each day with a renewed positive attitude. I am very saddened by their loss. I worry about them so much. I know the stress is so much for them because I have an overwhelming feeling which almost seems unbearable. I think this will bring us all together even closer. I think it has served one purpose so far and it is helping my father to get on the airplane on Wednesday and face his fears back in Ireland. He is going to say goodbye to the person who he has been fearful of for so many years. Hopefully, Ireland will be a place he can visit more often after this and he will not be so avoidant of traveling there.

This time I do not feel empty. I do not feel alone. I think I am finally done hoping that he and I will work. We do not fit together. I always think that certain people come into my life for a reason and I realize some positive things that I learned from him but why so long?? I suppose my choice.

I am going to try to stop searching and maybe I will be found. I think it may just work and if it dosen't, it will be ok too.

Sundays

Sundays are always nice but towards the late afternoon, I get so sad that I have to go back to work. I am trying to train myself to appreciate that I have a job but it is just so darn hard!

Work is a frustrating place to be right now, due to the stress of obtaining another grant which will keep me employed. I am somewhat excited to actually have the posibility of bowing out of this project due to lack of funding. The more I think about moving up to Tahoe for nine months before grad school, the more I like the idea. Life is so much slower there and maybe I would finally be able to calm down and stop being so anxious. Then when I think about moving, I think about how I don't even have the right clothes anymroe and I really am not crazy about how cold it gets.....the good parts are being near my family. I would rent a room from my sister and her boyfriend and I would really enjoy being around them! My other sister, 40 miles away from Tahoe will be having a baby in April, so that is really exciting as well. Deep down, I am kind of hoping that there is no more funding! I guess I will have to wait and see what January has to offer!

My first blog

Well, here I am blogging. The next step in me becoming a little bit more technological. My old roommate Melissa has told me that blogging is great and I should try it out, so what the heck!